


Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Crackfic

by Xochiquetzl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drugs, Food Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-29
Updated: 2005-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-05 05:31:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/38293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xochiquetzl/pseuds/Xochiquetzl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blame McKay. I do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Crackfic

Severus had heard that the werewolf pain management treatment recommended by American healers caused silliness, but he'd planned on distracting the subject with sex. And, of course, not mentioning that distraction method in his paper on the topic.

As if. The subject, who was silly enough much of the time, was giggling and stuffing chocolate into his mouth.

"Got any more choccies?" Remus said.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Severus said. "It's revolting."

"Where'd you get all these Chocolate Frogs, anyway?"

"I confiscated them," Severus said.

"That was mean of you," Remus said. "But lucky for me." He opened another one. "Look, it's Albus!" He waved the card at Severus.

Severus sighed and started to unbutton his shirt.

"What are you doing?" Remus said.

"Trying the direct approach," Severus said. "Your attention span seems even more abysmally short than usual."

Remus undressed, too, being surprisingly quick about it despite his current state, although he had considerably less buttons to cope with than Severus had. Severus finally managed to take his shirt off and unbuttoned his trousers, letting them fall down around his ankles.

Remus giggled maniacally and stuffed a squirming Chocolate Frog down Severus' pants.

Severus shrieked, and reached down his pants trying to catch the frog. Remus laughed, damn him, and Severus, hindered by the trousers around his ankles, fell over onto the floor.

"Are you all right?"

Severus looked up at Remus, who was all wide-eyed innocent concern. "That was not amusing," he said. "And it's melting."

Remus giggled, and grabbed a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. He pulled down Severus' pants and started sticking beans on the melting chocolate. "You know," he said, "they say every flavor, but I don't think I've ever had a come flavored bean."

"You're mad," Severus said.

"Mental," Remus said, and licked a bit of chocolate off Severus' inner thigh. "And you're a delicious chocolate-covered treat." He began to lick the chocolate off Severus' cock and balls.

It occurred to Severus that sanity was vastly overrated.

Remus popped a bean into his mouth, then spat it out again. It clattered across the stone floor. "Stilton," he said. He pulled out a condom, and pulled it over Severus' cock, trapping several beans underneath.

"What are you...?" Severus said.

"I thought you'd be fun lumpy," Remus said. He murmured a lubrication charm and sat on Severus' cock. "Mmm."

The sensation was intense--on the border of uncomfortable, even--but Remus looked blissful, and a blissful Remus was such a lovely sight that Severus would have tolerated it even if he hated it. And then Remus began to move, so much more graceful and fluid than usual; oh, the silliness was worth it, so very worth it.

Severus reached up, touching Remus' chest and sides in a long caress, and Remus beamed at him. Oh, he wouldn't last long, and Remus reached down to touch himself. Oh, Merlin. Moving and stroking and finally coming long, hot, and wet on Severus' chest, and Severus was coming, too...

Well, Remus could have his come flavored beans now.

"Feeling better?" Severus said.

"Who knew the American healers were so clever?" Remus said. He squirmed off Severus, then pulled off the condom and got rid of it with Evanesco. He curled up next to Severus and sighed. "The floor is a bit cold."

"We should go to bed," Severus said. "I'll need some help with..." He pointed at his feet.

"Oh!" Remus said, and pulled off Severus' shoes and trousers. He then stood, and offered Severus a hand up. "Think Sprout will grow me some more?"

"Leave that to me," Severus said.


End file.
